Catching My Childhood

It may be then the quietest still place on earth that night. Not a creature to be heard or seen as I waited. I had been preparing for this night all year. I had a real plan this time. I was going to catch that fat son of a bitch as soon as he came down the chimney.

Every year, Christmas was always super fun, but it always felt a little incomplete. One day, I realized that it was because I had never actually seen Santa Claus. Christmas could finally feel exhausting if I were to catch him in the act. I always left out cookies and milk to make sure he always came back the next year. This time would be different because I knew he would come.

The past year, I had been a tremendous kid. There wasn’t a chance in hell Santa would bring me coal this year. I believe he is going to get me the new Skylanders kit that I have been wanting since summer. When I saw Santa at the mall, whom I do not believe is the real one, I even told him. There is no way the real Santa would spend his entire December at Penn Square Mall in Oklahoma City. The real Santa must have sent all the fake ones out as decoys so he could prepare for Christmas Eve. Anyways, I told the fake Santa to report back to the real one for me. “Haha you got it buddy”, that fake piece of shit replied to me.  

For some kids, their childhood dreams are to make the NBA or win the spelling bee, not mine, however. I had always wanted to catch Santa. People make the NBA, and people can win a spelling bee; it’s been done many times, you hear about. Have you ever heard of anyone successfully catching Santa as he breaks into your house? I want to be the very first. 

My plan this year was going to be different. I have tried this in the past, but something was always off. If I tried to just stay up, I would end up falling asleep. If I tried to have a hidden camera, it always died. Whatever it may have been, it never ended up working. 

After trying so many things, I believed my best chance would be if I combined all these things. I even asked my mom to help, but she said I’m crazy and I couldn’t catch him. “We’ve all tried, son, it’s never been done,” she said. I figured this would have to be a solo mission. I was going to set up cameras, have two energy drinks, and have a lot of cookies and milk, and set up traps. 

At 9 pm, my bedtime, I decided to start setting up. The first thing I needed to set up was the cameras. I had my iPad and my ipod touch hidden in the kitchen charged to 100%. One was set up facing the tree, and the other was facing the milk and cookies on the kitchen table. It was like I was setting up to catch a wild animal in the jungle. I pressed the big red record button, and the video began. 

Next, I went to the garage to grab two Red Bull. I needed these to have enough energy throughout the night. Last time I attempted this, I only had 1 Red Bull and only made it to about 2 am, before Santa had came down that damn chimney. This year, the second one would give me that second wave of energy I need. 

Lastly, I needed to find a disguise. I knew Santa would be able to sense if I was there, sitting on the couch normally, I needed to be in full spy mode. I grabbed my favorite pair of black sweatpants and a black hoodie out of my closet.  Next, I grabbed black Nike socks and laced up my black Air Force 1s. I laced them up super tight in case I was called to run after that fat ass red man. Finally, to complete the look, I grabbed my all black Sheisty Ski Mask. I was fully immersed in the darkness, just as I needed to be. 

I knew I was going to be tired, so I thought it would be a good idea to take a quick 2-hour power nap before I started my exhibition. I knew the risk of this was very high. I would have to wait a whole year to get this opportunity again if I didn’t wake up. I found an old alarm clock to help me. I set the alarm clock to wake me at midnight. I’d assume Santa wouldn’t be there by then if he wasn’t there by 2 last year. I fell asleep. 

Ring…Ring…Ring, the alarm had woken me up, and my plan was perfect so far. I rose out of my sheets and hopped down the ladder of my bunk bed. I tiptoed to the kitchen to make sure he wasn’t there yet. He wasn’t. 

I needed to find the best spot to hide in the living room. Behind the couch didn’t seem to be shabby. I crept to the floor and waited for someone to make a noise. Two whole hours had gone by, and I hadn’t heard a thing. My parents' door finally creaked open. I was confused. “Why the hell are they up?” I thought to myself. I peeked over the couch to see what this was all about. 

I could not believe my eyes. I peeked over the couch to see my freaking dad with presents putting them under the tree. At first, I thought he could just be putting some presents he forgot. He then wandered over to the kitchen to eat the cookies and drink half of the glass of milk. Either my dad is delusional and doesn’t want Santa to give me any gifts, or he is Santa.

My whole childhood mind was crashing down at once. I stood up.

“OH SHIT” he said. That’s all he could say. He knew it had come to an end. All 9 years of my life were a lie. 

I had just lost my innocence.